01/06/22

I don't like my attitude lately. I say lately, but I really mean for the last four or five months, but really I mean this whole year. Or since the pandemic started, but really it was before that, I've been acting poorly for a long time now.

It's because I'm unhappy with myself, but the truth is, I don't know how exactly I'm going to stop being unhappy with myself. I see people around me doing wonderful things and instead of feeling happy I feel jealous and a little angry, and then ashamed at my feelings and sad because I don't know how to stop feeling that way. I am still happy for them but that happiness is overrided by disappointment in myself and a lack of knowledge of what to do next.

I'm upset because I don't have a job, but I cry and give up every time I try to look for one. I feel like being cooped up inside is bad for my mental health but I don't make any effort to go out. I can't drive and feel useless because of it but I haven't made any effort to learn. I say I'm lonely but I don't accept the offers of my friends to see them. Instead of being happy for my friends with loving realtionships I'm jealous and resentful and ugly about it.

I feel like every time I make the teeniest bit of headway I give myself permission to rest on my laurels and then everything goes back right to how it was before. Everyone is being so nice to me and telling me I don't have to worry and that I have time but I just don't know. It feels like the very few friends I have are all more successful and more happy than me. I don't want to make anyone upset by being around them. I don't want to be mean and sad all the time but that's how I've been acting and I feel really bad about it. All I do is play games and I feel bad about that. I buy myself things to have fun and I feel bad about that too. The only thing that makes me happy is Jaden but I have to figure out how to be happy by myself too. I think I want to be happy but I don't really remember how to do that anymore. It took me a long time to learn and I forget it again already.

I don't want to be nice to myself because I don't think I'm really doing enough to deserve it, but if I'm not nice to myself I won't ever feel any better...

My room is dirty... I don't know how to finish cleaning it...

I sleep late and I don't do anything during the day. I don't know why everyone is letting me do this. I feel like they should be meaner to me. It makes me uncomfortable. I cry all the time lately and I get mad way more than I used to but I know it's just because I'm mad at myself. But my friends keep being nice to me and telling me I'm not being mean. I don't know if that's true.

I think Jaden and I should get married... that would make me happy.