Straight Girl Problems
"See I'm not queer I'm too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be!"
- I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks
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I am a straight girl. I mean, I'm not, but for all intents and purposes, I am. It's easier and I make jokes about it a lot. I make jokes because I like boys a lot and I make jokes about being the straight one in a group of gay friends. I am the one who does it and talks about it all the time, so it's very weird that one of my friends making the same joke would upset me.
You wouldn't call a girl that likes other girls 'straight'. But I don't like girls enough. I like boys too much. I get scared by girls. I'm too ugly to like girls. It's a lot easier to just say that I'm straight. I do this even though I know that it isn't true, but then I think to myself, I probably don't really like girls anyway. Even though I've had a girlfriend and had crushes on girls as a kid. I probably liked girls more as a kid than I do now. I'm too scared now. If I really liked girls I wouldn't cry every time I think about them. I don't think about them enough anyway. I'm probably faking it.
In high school I thought I might not be a girl. I tried it out for a while but it felt fake. I made up a new name but I was too nervous to ask anyone to call me it. It's probably just because I don't like my real name. I wanted to have people call me something different online but I was just playing dress up and never had anyone do it. I realized I was wrong and I was a girl after all, it's just that I'm ugly and didn't like myself very much. That's probably true now too. I'm probably just unhappy with how I look because I'm not very good at being a girl but that doesn't mean I'm not a girl, it just means I'm a bad one. If I wasn't a girl I would know it.
If I wasn't a girl I wouldn't want to be a girl so bad. It kind of feels backwards. I am a girl but I want to be a girl so bad. That doesn't make any sense, does it? I know it doesn't. It feels really disrespectful to even say something like that. I don't get it. I'm a girl but sometimes I lay awake in bed and I find myself thinking 'I wish I was a girl.' Like I forget that I am a girl or something. Like I don't count myself as a girl. Girls are something pretty and desirable and I don't think I'm one of those. I don't know what I am but I would really love to be a girl someday.
Girls are something intimidating and perfect and I don't feel comfortable being compared to them. I would never want to try to measure up to someone like that. I don't want to be near a girl and realize how much better she is than me. I don't want to be near a boy and realize he wants someone who's better at being a girl than me. If it weren't for how much I want to be near someone I wouldn't want to be near someone at all.
Anything I say about gender is inherently disrespectful because I have no room to talk. Anything I say about sexuality is the perspective of an outsider because I have no concept of it. I am a straight girl because what else would I be? Anything I have to say is just me pretending to see things from a point of view I don't actually have.
I have no problem being a straight girl. I am totally fine with it. Every once in a while something feels a little bit off but it's not enough to worry about. If there was something I needed to change I would know.
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