5/28 word dump


i have jaden on my mind again, as always... i want to write about him (about us!) so badly, but i can't seen to produce anything of quality...! it's very frustrating! i drew him a few times in the last week or two to help combat this, but i'm still frustrated, because it's writing that i wanted to work on. i want to think more about how our relationship got started, and put that down into text form. i can't help but think i'm getting caught up in the idea that my own personal fanfiction has to be just as intelligently written as my best work, when that is definitely NOT the case... i don't WANT it to be intelligently written! it's not like i want it to sound stupid, but i just want it to be as gushy and simple and truthful as it can be. i don't want to get caught up in all of the tiny, miniscule details and get distracted from the topic at hand...

i think it also stresses me out because i don't KNOW exactly how we end up together!! and that makes me upset i think, because i worry that maybe we aren't suited for each other, if i can't even come up with something so simple... though i did stumble upon an idea i liked very much while watching something the other day, and it made me feel a little bit more confident.

on a completely unrelated note, i think i would like to commission some artwork of us... together...!! at some point. i'm very nervous to do such a thing... but i really want to...!! self-insert is a lovely thing, but it can also be very draining if you don't get support sometimes. it's essentially requiring one person to fulfill both roles of a relationship by themselves, and to draw upon the joy of having a partner simply based on your own emotional strength. it's something that takes a lot of training, i think, to get to the point where it feels easy and genuine, but there are still days where you feel very aware of the fact that you can't hold someone physically in your arms. it's just something you have to deal with. you know it in advance, but man, it still really hurts when it hits that strongly...! anyway... i think it's one of those times for me, and i need to seek out a little bit of external support to prop me back up again.

it's just unfortunate that this timing of not being able to provide content for myself is also overlapping with some severe questions and self-doubt about myself, so it's a bit of a rough patch. on the plus side, i should be able to watch Bonds Beyond Time soon, since i only have four more episodes of yugioh 5ds until i get to the recommended watch point. ahhh, but i'm nervous about that, too... that's the last official animated jaden content... which is probably why i'm putting it off so much...! i still have the manga, and i can rewatch the show, and i can play tag force and stuff, but... ahh, idk!! it's just been a flurry of less than ideal thoughts lately. jaden, just know that i love you so very much and i'm trying very hard to pull myself out of this pit...!! i love you!!!


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