nobody in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful
everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful


there are days where i have to remind myself of just how much i love you. i take it for granted, sometimes. the miracle that at any moment i can look upon you sleeping in bed beside me and feel my heart well up with that indescribable, overwhelming pressure that we call devotion.

i have to remind myself of this not because i have ever stopped loving you, but because my love for you is so large and so constant that i sometimes overlook it. i am so safe in your arms and so comfortable by your side that i no longer have to worry about something breaking us apart. i know that nothing you could ever do would stop me from loving you. i know the reverse is equally true. you have given me so much comfort that i am free now to revisit the fears and traumas of my past in full, without the distraction of fears and traumas in my present.

this makes things hard, sometimes. i can tumble so quickly when my imagination gets ahead of me - but of course you know that. kept afloat by your warmth i fumble my way through frigid memories, feeling for all the world as if this truly is my lot in life, as if nothing has changed and i am once again alone. it feels hopeless and i feel like giving up. i feel cold and sick to my stomach and this sensation lasts until i realize - suddenly - suddenly, like you came into my life - that this isn't true.

as quickly as the chill has set into my bones it disappears, and i fall into a bed of flowers, palms sinking into warm soil while the breeze dusts my cheeks. i have to laugh. i love you so much that it has become everyday. i am no longer surprised by how easily you take my breath away, nor by how perfectly your hand fits in mine - we find ourselves in these moments hundreds of times in a single day, yet never seem to tire of them.

if anything, i should be grateful for these moments. your brightness shines clearer than ever through the dense fog, reminding me of different memories entirely. getting knots in my stomach when i heard you laugh for the first time. worrying that you could read my thoughts when you caught me staring. our first night together. our second, and third, and every night after that.

i love you so much that i nearly forget it sometimes. this is a passionate luxury that that very few can afford.

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