Self-Insert as Self-Love, and the Road to It
I've been wanting to write something about this topic for quite a while.
It may end up being a very long-winded page that I come back to and edit
multiple times; I'm not quite sure yet. But I wanted to start getting my
thoughts out on the page, even if they don't make much sense for now.
---
I am a big proponent
of self-insert. Self-insert can, of course, mean many things: writing
yourself into an existing piece of media, creating a character to serve
as your stand-in, shipping yourself with characters or putting yourself
into their friend group, imaging what your special powers would be if
you were in a certain fictional universe. It can be as surface-level or
as deep as you want it to be. It can be a multi-chaptered adventure
novel, a heartbreaking poem to your loved one, a drawing of yourself
wearing a fictional uniform, or the many vague sentiments and daydreams
that are inspired by your favorite story. I love every form that the
concept of self-insert can take, and I'll tell you why: the vast
majority of self-insert is a form of self-love.
Self-insert is, at its core, selecting a piece of media that's important
to you, and figuring out how you fit into it. It's the sentiment that
you belong, or want to belong, in this world that stimulates your
creativity and your emotions. You can take yourself as you are, or
adjust and tweak things until you find your ideal self that might exist
in this world. It's saying that you find yourself just as important as
these characters that occupy your mind so heavily. What could be more
powerful than that?
I know that self-insert is often looked down upon. All you have to do is
take a look at the concept of a Mary Sue, a perfect, original (and often
female) character without flaw, that became the ire of so many
fanfiction authors and stunted the creativity of many young people in
fandom. I can tie the sudden drop in my joy at creating things online as
a child with the moment I first learned about Mary Sues and began
worrying that people were judging my creations with such immediate
disapproval. I decided to take preventative action and join the
bandwagon, creating strawman charactes to make fun of before people
could make fun of the ones I really cared about. It didn't take long for
me to stop posting fan content with original characters at all after
that.
I'm not saying that the idea behind the Mary Sue - that many
writers struggle to create believable, nuanced characters - is
incorrect. It's undoubtably a fact, and it did really push me to think
more about my characters beyond just their awesome special powers that
could save the day. But it was also directed primarily at young - and
once again, often female - creators online, who were just excited to
imagine stories where they could fight evil with a team or go on dates
with their favorite character. Constuctive criticism is an amazing,
valuable tool when it's wanted. But sometimes, it just isn't
wanted. Sometimes you just want to make something up and have fun with
it without someone telling you why it's unrealistic. Not every artist or
writer has to create with the intent of garnering fame or monetization
from their work.
It took me a few years after these experiences to start posting
my fan-content online again. I had never stopped creating during that
time, but I kept everything to myself, and I was always hyper-aware of
every little detail that somebody might get on my case for - a sentiment
that seems to be more prevalent than ever now. But, as nearly every
Neocities user will reiterate, the less focus I put on social media and
the 'general' Internet population, the freer I felt. I found small
groups of friends and followers that were excited by my OCs and really
encouraged me to continue making them. I got bolder, and let more of
myself shine through in what I made. And it felt good. While I
still held onto the lessons about themes, motivation, and storytelling
I'd taught myself after my initial Mary Sue scare, I was slowly learning
that not everything you make has to be held to the same standard of
storytelling.
It wasn't until I entered high school that I was brave enough to
start re-entering the romantic side of self-insert. As a kid, I never
worried about it - so what if I had a crush on Shadow the Hedgehog, or
Inuyasha, or whatever cartoon character was my favorite at the moment?
But then, suddenly, this was the biggest Mary Sue tell of them all -
making up a character that added nothing to the plot, and only existed to get into
a relationship with somebody else. 'OC x Canon' became a cardinal sin.
And if I couldn't even ship my OC with a character, how could I
explain that I myself had a crush on them?
From around ages 13 - 16, I completely shut it down. I didn't talk about
having crushes on characters; I didn't let myself think about it; and I
certainly didn't write or draw anything about it. I learned to 'curate'
how I talked about them to make it more palatable for other fans. And I
didn't realize it at the time, but this made a huge difference in how I
consumed media. During this period of time, there wasn't a single new fandom
that truly stuck with me. I found things I enjoyed, but it was never the
intense amount of dedication that I held as a child, or the analytical
fascination I have now. I didn't 'love' or 'obsess' over characters -
they were just 'cool'. While I was learning to love my original
characters again from a storytelling perspective, my love for canon
characters took longer to come back to me.
The character that turned it all around for me was Koro-sensei from
Assassination Classroom. I don't know exactly what it was about him, but
I just couldn't resist his goofy charm and the underlying genuine care
he had for the other characters. I felt like he would support me in
anything I wanted to do, and it just... really made me happy. It made me
feel safe and warm inside, and I thought to myself... I could feel like
that all the time!
he changed my life! he really did!! and i'm
forever grateful <3
It was really embarrassing at first, but I started writing and drawing
us together. I didn't really share the things I made with anybody, but I
didn't need to - just doing it made me happy. I finally got the nerve to
mention it online, and, much to my surprise, the people I interacted
with were supportive of it! And I realized that there are other people
who love their favorite characters too, so so much! It doesn't just have
to be romantic - there were plenty of people who just wanted to talk to
or hang out with their favorite characters. And it just made me so happy
to see so many other people expressing themselves, and that there really
were spaces where you could be yourself and enjoy things without being
called too obsessive or weird.
These pleasant experiences came at the tail end of my time on Tumblr,
starting around 2015, when I first posted about Koro-sensei, and ending
around late 2018. By then, I had pretty much made a new blog EXCLUSIVELY
about self-insert and other self-indulgent things. After 2018, I weaned
myself off of Tumblr - and now here I am four years later, with my own
website, with my own self-insert webring, with my shrines to favorite
characters and my marriage certificate generator for other people to
use, and I am so, so happy to be here. I could not be more psyched about
it! For real!
It makes me so happy to see people responding positively to these
resources I've tried to make, and seeing people with their own shrines,
and OCs, and self-inserts, both platonic and romantic. I remember seven
(seven!!) years ago being terrified to like a character too much, before
I met some other amazing people that felt the same way, and whom I'm
still friends with to this day. On Neocities, it's easier than ever to
curate a space where you can be yourself. I'm so grateful for that. I
really want to encourage everybody to make full use of it, and to do the
things that make you happy! And to everyone's OCs and self-insert
characters: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! YOU ARE SO EPIC!!! Never forget that!!
I want to end this little piece with something kind of embarassing, but
important to me... this is the oldest piece of self-insert art that I
have from after I let myself try it out again. All the way back from
2015 on Tumblr, babey!! Yes, it looks bad, and yes, it fills me with a
little bit of abject fear and terror because it looks so bad, but it's
part of my history, and it deserves to be here! And now I'm going to
finish this page so I don't have to look at it anymore!!
(ft. Korosensei from Assassination
Classroom and Nougami Neuro from Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro! Matsui
Yusei's characters really had a fricking GRIP on me lmao!! To this day,
these guys [and one other super secret mystery character] are my
symbolic trio of self-insert, and the moment I learned to truly love
having fun in fandom again!!)